Church Bulletin Humor

As shared by Fr. Curtis on Sunday. Taken from actual church bulletins:

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2. Tuesday, at 4 p.m, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will singe, “Put Me in My Little Bed”, accompanied by the Pastor.

4. Thursday, at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

6. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

Sunny Side Up!

In his sermon, Fr. Curtis exhibited an abnormal egg found in one of the hen's nests at his farm.

The shell was soft, not firm. And squishy. And creepy.



There is clearly an indentation.



Which chicken laid the egg?



No matter what kind of egg we are, we can remember to keep our "sunny side up!"

Blue Jeans Sunday

Good weather and a good turnout for Blue Jeans Sunday.

The Cummings family came in blue jeans, and worked outdoors.



Chris did groundskeeping.



Blue jeans wearers in the Undercroft. Fr. John enjoys the ice cream. The rest of the group decorates hats and floral wreaths.

Day of Pentecost

Evidence of spring surrounds the church building.



Our Pentecost service was even more happy and festive with the return of several seasonal parishioners and the appearance of Fr. Curtis's parents.

The choir performed four times. A prelude, A Festive Psalm of Praise, two anthems--Come Build a Church and Yes, God is Real. And a very energetic Postlude spiritual, Marching in the Light of God, with instruments. And marching!



George brings up the rear.



Until Memorial Day, the choir will rehearse at 7:45 on Sunday mornings, followed by breakfast at Zoya's. If you've ever wanted to sing, there's an opportunity before the choir goes on summer break!

The 12 Opossums

The more you know, the funnier it is.

The Bible - as explained by some kids in Oregon - truth has been redefined!


One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and Made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it.

Flowers Indoors and Out

vase on our altar


violets in our garden


future lilac blossoms outside our Undercroft


Coming soon: Bible Stories, including Jesus and his Twelve Opossums.

More!

Another plant ready to flower in the parish garden.



Another prayer shawl completed and blessed.