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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The 12 Opossums

The more you know, the funnier it is.

The Bible - as explained by some kids in Oregon - truth has been redefined!

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and Made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Flowers Indoors and Out

vase on our altar

violets in our garden

future lilac blossoms outside our Undercroft

Coming soon: Bible Stories, including Jesus and his Twelve Opossums.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Another plant ready to flower in the parish garden.

Another prayer shawl completed and blessed.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sheep Scavenger Hunt

This morning Fr. Curtis blessed several prayer shawls knitted by Marsha, one of which was presented to Grace.

The theme of our prayers and readings and sermon today was sheep and their shepherd.

In addition to Collect, we had the 23rd Psalm, the New Testament Lesson (1 Peter 2:19-25) and our Gospel (John 1:1-10) loaded with sheep/shepherd analogies.

Our hymns, too, contained shepherd imagery. Hymn 645 The King of love my shepherd is, Hymn 343 Shepherd of souls refresh and bless, and Hymn 708 Savior, like a shepherd lead us.

Here's the Sheep Scavenger Hunt. Do you know the location in the sanctuary of each of these sheep? Go ahead, try to find them next time you're at St. Stephen's!

Happy hunting!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Hymns & Lilies

These are the hymns we sang this morning.

The beautifully scented Easter lilies no longer decorate the sanctuary. But these lilies in the stained glass are always with us!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Stewardship Institute

Four parishioners from St. Stephen's (including your Sr. Warden Chris Porter, Martha Booth of the Vestry, Fr. John Allen, and your parish blogger) attended the diocesan Stewardship Institute at the Barbara C. Harris Camp and Conference Center located in Greenfield, NH.

The crowd was large and attentive.

The program, developed by the Rev. Canon Charles LaFond, was informative and helpful.

Bishop Robinson was there, and gave the homily, making reference to his AIDS work in Uganda in 1992 and inspiring us all to give in support of the mission and ministry of our church.

We enjoyed a delicious hot lunch in the dining hall.

The final activity of the day was the premiere of the new 10-minute Stewardship DVD. (Which the parish will have an opportunity to view!)

The entire event was extremely worthwhile--one of the very best diocesan-sponsored gatherings ever!